I Changed Everything
It wasn’t the first time I’d thought about it
I knew I had to change somehow
Had to keep trying and not quit
Make my life better, I decided to vow
Three trusting friends and a little attention
These made me just a little bit stronger
I felt I was in a new dimension
But I knew I couldn’t keep it up much longer
I really wanted to change
Make everyone happy
So I made a decision…
I changed everything
I’m sharing a post from 1995 today instead of 1994 for a couple reasons. The major one is because I left my journal at Amsterdam Bar & Hall on Friday after Mortified and I’m in the midst of making arrangements to get it back. Whoops! The show was amazing and fun and wonderful, and I couldn’t have asked for a better night. I woke up pretty nervous that morning, but once I got on stage, I could tell the crowd was on my side and I felt an incredible rush. So I extend many, many thank yous to everyone who came out to support me because it means a great deal.
The other reason this entry felt appropriate to share is because I’ve been pretty depressed lately, and the poem seems a little… dark. I’m honestly not quite sure what my intent behind it was because suicide is something I would never attempt. (If you ever do think about suicide, please please please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.)
It’s now been 2 years since I was diagnosed with depression.
2 years of therapy.
2 years of no drugs.
2 years of struggle.
2 years of growth.
I know my experience is my own, but I also know that you can read hundreds of other compelling blog posts about what it is to live with depression that probably won’t sound too different from what I have to say.
But what I can share is this. For me, the worst part is the lack of trust.
Specifically the lack of trust in myself.
Are my thoughts my own? I’m not always sure. I get into these dark places where I pull myself farther and farther down and convince myself that I’m alone and I deserve a life of isolation. It feels so real when I’m thinking these thoughts, but I know I can’t trust myself. But when you’re there, in that place, you just don’t know any better, and it’s awful.
I’ve had people tell me, “But you’re always out doing things.” Yes, I’ve been lucky in that my depression is not one that typically prevents me from going out into the world to commit to plans I’ve already made. That’s just not who I am. The problem is, I fall more on the introvert side of the spectrum, so social activities exhaust me, especially when I overbook myself and don’t get a chance to recharge. It’s times like those where I especially get hit hard. And it still takes me longer than I should to realize what caused the dip in my emotional state.
It’s more frustrating than I can say.
But I’ll keep plugging along. I’m not going anywhere, and things are a little rough right now is all.
Now head over to The Beth Next Door where you can enjoy her Throwback Thursday posts, and hers is a bit more upbeat than mine so you’ll likely find it rather refreshing.
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